Summertime child access tips for divorced parents | Divorce

By HowardMacKinnon
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This is the time of year when divorced parents should settle on summertime access for their children. School and work can take a back seat during at least portions of the summer months as vacations and warm weather activities raise interesting possibilities. Usually it makes sense for our children to be with one parent most of the time and see the other parent on weekends or other scheduled access days. However, in the summer there should be more time available for the kids to spend with the parent they see less often through the year. Here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when figuring out the best summer access arrangements.

Things change: people, circumstances, whatever. So even if there are strict rules about what access should look like over the summer months, avoid the temptation to let a separation agreement or court order assume the role of parent. Consider what may have changed since that agreement or order was signed and take a fresh look at it to see if it really does continue to be the best thing for the kids. Children are best served by parents who strive to make access arrangements work than by parents who blithely follow formulas and schedules that may now be out of date.

A word about deviating from court orders and agreements may be in order here. First, it is okay to change the terms by mutual consent without going back to court or signing something. However, if you feel more secure with something in writing a note, dated and signed, with the agreed upon changes should be fine. You should specify that the changes are by mutual agreement and that if one of the parents no longer agrees to the change then the original terms of the order or separation agreement come back into play.

Do not forget to seek input from the children when making your plans for summer access. It should be a priority for the children to spend extra time with the parent they see less of during the rest of the year. However, this time can be even more valuable if the children are not required to give up other activities they wish to participate in in order to spend the extra time with that parent. The older the child is the more important it is for that child to have his or her own time and engage in activities here she is looking forward to. Look for ways to become involved in the child's activities rather than for the child to always have to fit into your activities.

Special events call for special arrangements. This has application throughout the year but there are more likely to be special events during the summer. There may be birthdays, holidays, family reunions, special trips, etc. Where both parents cannot participate in these events with the children serious consideration ought to be given to which parent is most closely connected to the activity. It would be wrong for the children to miss out on Dad's family's reunion just because it falls in the middle of Mom's 3 week vacation. That is, unless Mom planned a special 3 week vacation trip making the trip and the reunion mutually exclusive. When events conflict consider which would be more fun for the kids and parent to spend together. Are there any special benefits the kids will get from one rather than the other activity? Will there be other opportunities to participate in the activity or is it a once-in-a-lifetime event?

If the access parent is going to get extra time with the children over the summer he or she should be prepared to make the most of this time together. This might mean not only making the children your priority but making sure that they see that this is what you are doing. Perhaps turning off your cell phone, spending less time with your other friends or work for computer might be a good way to send this message to your kids and let them know how important they are to you. As for the activities you engage in with your kids, the younger they are the more they will be happy just to be involved in whatever you are doing. As they get older it will be you that needs to find ways to involve yourself in their activities, even if it is just to show an interest when they get home.

Always keep in mind that flexibility and cooperation go much further in furthering the best interests of the children then confrontation and rigidity. Even parents who have not separated need to be considerate of each other's needs and desires when deciding upon the summer activities they will engage in with the children. The best way to maintain strong and healthy relationships between parents and children are when everyone's input is sought and no one, including the "access" parent, feels left out.

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