6 Thoughtless Ways People Wreck Effective Communication | Relationships

By JohnMReisinger
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Word Count: 759

There are 3 unconscious habits that block effective communication: Making moralistic judgements, Making Comparisons and Denying Personal Responsibility. In a previous article I gave examples of how these create Communication Frustration for everyone involved. In this article you'll see other shapes those habits can take with those you love and work with.

1. Analyzing Others: We do this when we make interpretations of our opinions on what we think is taking place. Here's an example from how this would work with my wife Kay and me. If Kay wanted to have more affection than I was giving I'd say she was "dependent or needy". But if I wanted affection Kay wasn't giving I'd say she was "being selfish and inconsiderate". After learning compassionate communication we realized that neither of us were "to blame". Our analyses were expressions of what we each of us really needed and wanted.

2. Mistaking Morals for Values: A value judgement helps us decide which qualities we value in life; for instance we might chose honesty, respect, peace, or freedom. These are always a reflection of how we believe life can best be served. With moralistic judgements we are attacking people and behaviors that oppose our value judgements. For example, "We say violence is bad, and people who murder others are evil". This was a struggle for us to change our language from "Violence is bad" to "I'm fearful of the use of violence to solve conflicts; I value the resolution of human conflicts through other means". Because, for us, our church was where we experienced the most confusion over morals and values.

3. Using Manipulation: Anytime we are trying to make someone who is unwilling do what we want we are manipulating. This doesn't work because emotions like fear,anger,guilt,and shame are used as prods. Seldom do people perform the why we really want, if at all when we use this approach. Two examples from Kay and me: When Kay would subtly share with me how impressed she was with how her friend's husband displayed such handy man prowess it didn't ever make me mow the lawn or do projects to her satisfaction. When I'd remind my youngest son, who's dyslexic, that his older brother taught himself how to read, the younger one didn't read any better of faster. I'm sure your intentions for using manipulation are as pure as ours were. But manipulations only wound you and the other person on a deep level.

4. Unexamined Philosophies and Politics: Philosophy is how you see the world. Politics is how you live in it. We were surprised how our Philosophy and Politics caused so many unintentional conflicts. There were many ideas, friendships, and opportunities lost to us because of unexamined philosophies and politics that dominated our communication. Most conflicts over Philosophy or Politics are really about comparisons of each others moral judgments believed to be facts.

5. Actions of Others: This is when we actually shift responsibility based on other's behavior. Lessons we learned: Me telling Kay I yelled at the boys because they had bad manners at the table makes the boys responsible for my outburst. Me accepting a last minute golfing invitation with my friends when I promised to hang out with the kids makes my friends responsible for my commitments. Other examples you might encounter include: "I lied to the client because my boss told me too", "I hate going to work, but I do it because I'm a husband and father.", "I stayed late at work because my boss said to". We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel.

6. Blaming Policies and Rules: Placing blame on policies, rules, and management denies our personal responsibility. You're likely to experience this with statements like. "Those are the rules, there's nothing we can do", "Sorry, no exceptions", "All companies do business that way", "My boss said it wouldn't matter", "Our policy is not to make exceptions", "We've always done it that way". Blaming policies, rules, and management attempts to justify our behavior and decisions.

There's a lot to consider here. While you consider what you've read have compassion with yourself and what you find. You're not broken, in need of fixing, and there isn't anything wrong with you. Place attention on where these habits are showing up and creating unintentional conflict for yourself and others. Just patiently observe how you interact with people. You can also share this article with your spouse or friends and ask which ones they think show up most.

About the Author

Need help identifying your habits? John Reisinger can help you develop remarkably effective communication skills. Deepen your conversations at home and work and enjoy Remarkable Living.

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